So many village idiots. So few dragons.
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I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
oh u like history? name everything that happened
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.