just left a huge legacy in there
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I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
Every haunted house movie:
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.