seems fine
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Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
I’m confused about plants
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.