Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
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One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
I’m good, thanks.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach