therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
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She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
hey, alexa
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
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periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”