8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
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Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
@funTweeters
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.