*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
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My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
good let them take over I have had enough
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
lmaaaaaooooooooo
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…