Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
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If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
Wake me when AI does housework
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.