gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
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My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’