“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
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I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]