Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
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*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Cha-ching is my safe word
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
lmfao