On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
You Might Also Like
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
He’s cranky this morning
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together