Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
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Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do