Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
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I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Hero horse inspires millions
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!