I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
You Might Also Like
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”