In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
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Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
notice
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.