So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
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“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
Looking at you, Jesus.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time