Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
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Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
catch me on valentine’s day like
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.