Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
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My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!