Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
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My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
Whoa 😂
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”