Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
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The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…