Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
You Might Also Like
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
honestly, i need both:
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Why is everyone getting married at me
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.