Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
You Might Also Like
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
me hooking up with my ex
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.