I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
You Might Also Like
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
The days of good grammer has went
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Oh yeah that’s it
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
*limbos away from your hug*
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point