*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
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Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
This trial is so absurd 😭
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
Why is everyone getting married at me
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12