I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
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I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?