What number SPF blocks people?
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in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.