[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
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My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”