An owl showing some catlike behavior.
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Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
iPhone X
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”