My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
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Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
it must be school picture day
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
My dad.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”