[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
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The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
He just like my cat fr
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
I’m about to risk it all
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.