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My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
this is me
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
When someone says you are so lazy
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.