From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
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The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Ok, but like, how married are you?
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings