I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
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“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Lol
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
5 ways to appear taller