I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
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Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
U talkin 2 me?
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*