Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
I need this for my side hustle.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
Tremendous stuff
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.