Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
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“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
wtf management?!
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?