*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
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[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Investing in beetcoin
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]