I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
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[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
Me trying to reach for my goals
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk