gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
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I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
ok hear me out: Luigiana
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
my lower back watching me try to live my life
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.