nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
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Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
new career option?
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
No chill.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.