ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
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Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
This is me