9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
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Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
The 6 types of sex
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.