Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
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8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.