Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
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Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
She puts the hot in psychotic
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?