me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
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Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
me linking you to my twitter
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.