I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
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landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now