I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
You Might Also Like
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
get you a girl who
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
? 💀
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.