Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
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Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
How to wake up a Beagle
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.