You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
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If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
same bro
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.